A friend recently commented that “life is so bittersweet.” This friend rarely makes such observations casually, so I know it followed some period of reflection on his part. So I had to reflect on whether I agreed with his statement.
Of course everyone experiences moments of joy and moments of sadness in the course of a lifetime. Life taken as a whole has its times of sweetness and of bitterness. But the idea that life itself is bittersweet means more than that. Most of us would think of a bittersweet moment as one in which happiness and sadness are felt simultaneously, and probably from the same cause.
Transitions are often experienced as bittersweet. The passing of an aged relative or good friend causes grief mingled with the reliving of happy times spent with that person. A new job may present an invigorating challenge and the optimism of a fresh start, along with regret for friends left behind, or doors of opportunity left unopened.
We are always at choice in life, even if we are not always aware of it. Every day we make an implicit choice either to continue as we have been, or to move in a different direction. The more mindful the individual, the more choices he or she must make. Sometimes these choices are easy, and sometimes agonizingly difficult. Almost always, a choice requires us to weigh pros and cons, to decide whether the benefits of one course of action outweigh its costs, as well as the net benefits of alternatives. If we decline an opportunity for change, we may later feel that what we held onto was not worth as much as what we might have had. Conversely, if we opt for change, there may be moments when we look back with regret at what we gave up.
Our feelings at these times of reflection on past choices – whether those choices were made consciously or by default – can often be described as bittersweet. These mixed emotions are very much a part of the human condition. They are due to the mind’s ability to remember past events (though not always accurately) and to compare them with present conditions; and even more importantly, to indulge in “what if” fantasies and second-guessing.
Most of this mental activity is pointlessly self-destructive, because it leads to suffering over roads not taken and things that cannot be changed. It can be ascribed to the ego’s insecurity: “I am not good enough, I could have been better (or happier) if I had chosen differently.” Ego can never be satisfied because ego lives in a fantasy world where total and immediate gratification is just tantalizingly out of reach – available to everyone else but not to the ego’s self. Ego believes it is entitled to this gratification without effort, and blaming the past for the lack of gratification in the present is a way of avoiding responsibility for the choice to continue in an unhappy condition rather than to do something about it. This infantile attitude serves the ego’s purpose to keep it’s own needs in the forefront and to divert attention from the open door of the soul.
Buddhism teaches that attachments give rise to suffering. Pleasure leads inevitably to pain, because the ego forms an attachment to the pleasurable experience, and suffers when that experience is withdrawn. We (that is, our egos) also become attached to anticipated pleasures, that we somehow feel are owed to us, and that we rely on like a drug to provide the illusion of present enjoyment. Whether the thought is a memory or an expectation, we dwell on it because it provides an ersatz enjoyment in place of the pleasure that the ego cannot access in the present moment – that is, in reality. Eventually we must endure the suffering that attends the realization that the experience is not real. The observation that life is bittersweet is a description of this process by which pleasure is created, only to be transformed into pain.
The mindful individual knows the difference between now and not-now, and knows that only the now is real. He can experience pleasure without becoming attached to the experience, because he knows that all worldly experiences are transient. He does not daydream about events remembered or anticipated, because he is totally absorbed in the present moment, the experience that is happening now. One who is aware of the now in this way cannot deceive himself that it can remain unchanged, or can be preserved to be called upon at will in the future. He is able to experience genuine happiness in the present. His enjoyment is not curtailed by the fear of loss, because what is inevitable cannot be feared. He may experience sadness, but never regret or despair.
Ultimately, he comes to the realization that there is only one genuine experience, which is the experience of Love. His awareness becomes “one-pointed.” He abandons dualism and sees that “not-Love” is not the opposite of Love, but only its absence; a shallow emptiness that can be obliterated by pouring into it the Love that comes from the inexhaustible Source of All That Is, leaving no trace of its passing but only the irreducible Truth of Oneness.
By experiencing the Allness of Love – its “isness” as the primordial essence of which the Universe is formed – he is able to perceive and participate in the Love that is present behind each of its individual manifestations. Then he will no longer experience bitterness, and only sweetness will remain: the calm satisfying sweetness of resting in the pure awareness of universal Love.
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